Unfortunately as we all get older we have more and more opportunities to deal with grief. Many of us may have already dealt with the unfortunate experience of losing a close friend or a loved one. Like so many other things in life, we aren’t given a handbook on how to deal with the grief we feel after someone we care about dies. In our society especially death and the grieving process are practically taboo. American’s aren’t comfortable talking about death and dying even though it’s a process that we all must at some point, sooner or later go through ourselves. In America, we are all expected to grieve the same way and for the designated amount of time when in reality those expectations just aren’t accurate. Many American’s focus on the Kübler-Ross model of grieving to help guide us through a death process when in reality those steps rarely all apply to a death or even to people in general. Treatment is also a focus in American society. Medications and therapies are advertised in order to help people deal with their grief, though few people actually require those services. Do we even need treatments in order to deal with our grief or is it actually our society that can’t deal with others unhappiness and grief?
As American’s we want to treat our grief as something that should be worked through, in five simple steps, as quickly as possible. Many people are aware of the Kübler-Ross five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, but not everyone follows those steps in order or even at all when dealing with their grief, sadly, focusing on these stages when dealing with the death of a loved one isn’t very practical in our society. These stages would be better suited for someone who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness rather than for someone who just recently lost a loved one. Unfortunately since these five stages have been so well known for so long to the extent that many people can recite them, we can’t help but to think of them as our directions for dealing with grief.
In our society, each of the five steps can be refuted when used for someone who is dealing with the loss of a loved one. Denial is something that rarely actually happens. Usually people dealing with grief are more shocked or bewildered when they hear of the sudden death of a loved one. In cases when someone who was sick has passed away, one almost never hears anyone in denial of the death. Very few people actually come out and say no, my loved one has not died. Anger is not a universal feeling when dealing with grief. People dealing with grief can be angry about many things such as bring angry at the disease that killed their loved one (although almost all of the time people are relieved that their loved one is no longer in pain or suffering), anger towards the drunk driver who caused their loved ones death or even feeling angry at the loved one themselves for not taking care of themselves but since anger isn’t an overall controlling emotion, it shouldn’t be treated as a stage. Bargaining is one stage that makes perfect sense for someone who is dealing with a terminal illness but makes no sense at all in regards to someone grieving the loss of a loved one. Yearning is a much better term when being applied to a grief situation. A person can’t really bargain for things that aren’t possible, such as promising to be a better person if only their loved one could come back. You will hear someone though who is grieving say that they miss their loved one and wish they could see them again which is more a characteristic of yearning rather than bargaining. Depression is by far the most complicated stage for someone to try to deal with. Depression shouldn’t really be a stage because, with very few exceptions, people grieving the death of a loved one aren’t clinically depressed. Grief-related depression and clinical depression are treated so similarly in today’s society that it’s no wonder that people who are experiencing grief when a loves one dies automatically assumes that they are depressed. Feeling sadness and grief when a loved one dies is perfectly normal but in this society we aren’t told that it can have a bigger impact or last longer for some people over others. Acceptance is better suited to the terminally ill; it is much like denial for someone who is grieving. Acceptance in regards to grief is basically like saying it is what it is, and then dealing with whatever is left to follow. (Friedman, James, 2008)
Is grief counseling really necessary? Studies now show that for the majority of people dealing with the grief that follows the death of a loved one, getting help from a professional counselor or therapist isn’t really needed. Fortunately many people are able to deal with their grief on their own but when a person’s grief is too much for them to handle on their own, having the chance to meet with a grief counselor can be a life changing opportunity. In a 2009 study focusing on the Scott and White Grief Study, Gamino, Sewell, Hogan, and Mason found that out of eleven research participants who received grief counseling, ten of them found their experiences to be helpful. It is pretty obvious that having the opportunity to deal with grief in a safe and healthy environment is extremely important.
For people who can’t handle their grief on their own and decide to seek treatments there are fortunately many options available. From medications to various types of therapies, there are practically endless ways to combat ones grief. For people who suffer from bereavement-related depression there are, as of a 2008 study by Auster, Moutier, Lanouette, and Zisook, six published studies showing the effectiveness of antidepressant medications. There are also many types of therapies that can be used with or without the use of medications. Some types of “counseling and therapy techniques included art and music therapy, meditation, creation of personalized rituals, bibliotherapy, journaling, communication with the deceased (through writing, conversations, etc.), bringing in photos or possessions that belonged to the person who has died, role playing, bearing witness to a story of the loved one, confiding in intimates, and participating in support groups”. (Encyclopedia of Death and Dying, 2010) A main role playing type of therapy that can be used is Gestalt therapy which is described as “a form of existential therapy based on the premise that people must find their own way in life and accept personal responsibility if they hope to achieve maturity”. (Robinson, 1991) Gestalt therapy is sometimes referred to as “empty chair” therapy because the client talks to the empty chair as if their loved one were actually sitting there while the counselor, acting as himself and not the deceased, helps the client to keep the “discussion” flowing. This type of therapy can be very useful when a person feels like they have unfinished business with the loved one who has died.
Since there are so many people who are able to deal with their grief, why is there such an emphasis on using medical or therapeutic interventions to get people back to normal? Are we as a society focused so much on making people happy again because unhappiness, even if it’s just others experiencing it, makes us uncomfortable? There was a time when grieving was widely accepted and even expected when someone lost a loved one. Now though, it seems almost taboo to grieve for too long or in the wrong way. American’s have a strange way of dealing with grief. The quicker someone can get happy again the better. We seem to grieve in a fast and hard sort of way. Our news portrays death as a tragedy while showing grieving family members sobbing on camera yet once the day is over and a new death comes along, nothing is shown about the people left to mourn. Hurt and pain and suffering are all sure to follow but they aren’t important enough to talk about. It almost seems that people today are scared of catching grief. While it can be an uncomfortable topic to focus on or discuss, that doesn’t mean that grief should be ignored. It’s real and most people experience it when a loved one dies and as a society we should respect people ways of handling and dealing with grief. We should not tell them how to grieve or how long they are allowed to be upset by the death. Our society should learn to accept death as the inevitable and allow people to experience the death of a loved one however they see fit.
As American’s we don’t have a good grip on death. We would much rather focus on the living and put aside the inevitable for as long as possible. Unfortunately that isn’t always a possibility. Loved ones die for numerous reasons. The ones who are left behind are then forced to deal with the grief they are experiencing because of the death of their loved one. Thankfully most people can deal with this experience with little or no everlasting affect but there are some who need help. For those people there are many options, some choose to follow the Kübler-Ross model of grieving while other choose various medications or therapies. Some people choose to do nothing at all and grieve in whatever way works best for them. Dealing with grief in America society is no easy feat but thankfully times are changing and we are seeing more openness about death and dying than we have in the recent past. America is taking the necessary steps to change this taboo subject and increase the awareness of this very serious topic.
References
Friedman, R., & James, J. W. (2008). The Myth of the Stages of Dying, Death and Grief.. Skeptic, 14(2), 37-41.
Gamino, L. A., Sewell, K. W., Hogan, N. S., & Mason, S. L. (2009). Who Needs Grief Counseling? A Report from the Scott & White Grief Study.. Omega: Journal of Death & Dying, 60(3), 199-223.
Granek, L. (2010). GRIEF AS PATHOLOGY: The Evolution of Grief Theory in Psychology From Freud to the Present. American Psychological Association, 13(1), 46-73. Retrieved November 1, 2010, from the psycARTICLES database.
Grief Counseling and Therapy - rituals, world, body, funeral, life, rate, time, person, What Is Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy?. (n.d.). Encyclopedia of Death and Dying. Retrieved November 9, 2010, from http://www.deathreference.com/Gi-Ho/Grief-Counseling-and-Therapy.html
Robinson, J. (1991). Towards a state of being able to play: Integrating Gestalt concepts and methods into a psychodynamic approach to counselling.. British Journal of Guidance & Counselling, 19(1), 44-65. Retrieved November 1, 2010, from the PsycINFO database.
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