Same-Sex Parenting, by Iris Castellanos

       In the past two decades the conventional nuclear family has undergone many changes. It is no longer defined as father, mother, and child. In today’s society it has expanded to include single parent families, mixed families, and one of the most controversial the inclusion of gay and lesbian families (Golding, 2006, p. 61). There has been considerable debate in the world about same-sex parenting due to the impact of parental orientation on their children. What is not witnessed by society today are all the challenges that same-sex parented children are facing. The children of same-sex parents are trying to develop and accept that they have gay or lesbian parents. Same-sex parented children are also finding ways to deal with this issue by becoming more active with their parents and their parents lifestyle. Few studies have addressed the experience or perception of adult children of gay lesbian parents. Another lack of studies that were not found in research were how adult same-sex parented children are affected in the future. Six to 14 million children have at least one biological gay or lesbian parent, and eight to 10 million children are being raised in same-sex households (Golding, Harvard, Sullivan, 2006, p. 39). This is a lifestyle that is expanding, and people of this same-sex lifestyle are raising more, and more children. There are many positive aspects to children being raised in same-sex households as there are negatives.

       The fundamental rights to marry and to raise children have not been extended equally to lesbian and gay Americans. Many gay and lesbian couples have often been denied that opportunity to become parents. There has been considerable debate about same-sex parenting due to the impact of sexual orientation on their children. Many lesbian and gay adults have been denied the right to foster, adopt, or even have custody or visitation rights with their biological children because of their lifestyle (Patterson, & Redding, 1996, p. 321). It is very disturbing to know that it is possible to stop a parent from visiting their children just because of their sexual orientation. It is also sad to know that lesbian or gay parents cannot have full rights to raise a child. Many people believe that morality is a factor to why lesbian or gay parents should not raise children. Many people today believe that children who are raised in same-sex households are being demonstrated the freedom to go out and date whomever they want. Homosexuality is a deviant behavior which threatens minors from being influenced by those who advocate homosexual lifestyles (Patterson & Redding, 1996, p. 32). Many people who are not homosexual or children of homosexuals believe that being raised in same-sex households causes their children to develop the same lifestyle. In many states lesbian or gay parent(s) cannot show any affection to their significant other while the child is around to visit. In many places today gay and lesbian couples are struggling to be accepted as “normal,” parents. What is also an issue that was mention in many of the research was that children do not have “manly,” or “womanly” role models. The belief is that if these children lack one or the other they begin to be either too feminine or too masculine. So what many of the research mentions is that there is a sense gender identity confusion. According to Golding many daughters of lesbians seek future careers that are considered masculine. She also mentions that children who do not have a father have a lower self-esteem either because they do not feel masculine, or they just do not have a father figure.

       Many children in today’s society who are raised by same-sex parents are facing many challenges. According to Vivien Ray and Robin Gregory (2001) children that are raised in a gay or lesbian environment have similar psychological adjustments to others growing up in the same situation. They identify some of the common difficulties same-sex children confront. Due to the lesbian and gay developing lifestyle children who are raised in same-sex households are becoming more visible. Many children are affected by their parent(s)’ lifestyle and are re-silencing their parent(s). “Re-silencing” means that they are keeping their parent(s) lifestyle a secret finding excuses to why their parents are always seen with the same-sex person. Children in grades 5 and 7 tend to be selective and reluctant to answer questions at school about their parent(s) sexual orientation (Ray & Gregory, 2001, p. 31). It is said that many children at these ages make up answers about their homosexual parent(s) just so that they will not be teased. If the parent is a lesbian they use the excuse of, “that is my mom’s friend” or, “she is my aunt,” same goes for gay men. These adolescents feel ashamed and embarrassed that their parents are not like other parents. Sharing the sexuality of their parent(s) with others attracts fear to many adolescents. Children whose parent(s) is/are lesbian and/or gay are teased and embarrassed about their parent(s) lifestyle which can cause ostracize the child and cause difficulties in building friendly relationships (Perrin, p. 124). Children in this upbringing often are bullied with words that are often used to offend their parent(s) lifestyle. It is as if the child were the one to blame, and as if the parent(s) sexual orientation belonged to the child. When bullying is experienced at the secondary level it becomes worse because children are more developed and can understand the difference between lifestyles (Ray, & Gregory, 2001, p. 32). Adolescents who are raised by heterosexuals begin to look down on children who are raised by homosexuals. Same-sex children at this age start to experience harsher teasing and are called the worst of names such as “Lesbo,” “Faggot,” “gaywad,” and many other names.  Many times children who are in the same situation observe what happens to others and re-silence their parent(s) sexuality in fear that the same kind of bullying will happen to them. Sometimes children at the adolescent age disclose their parent(s) sexuality and resort to homophobic bullying themselves. Children of same-sex parents face stigmas through out their childhood and adolescent years due to their parent(s) sexual orientation.

       Young adults with a lesbian mother are no more likely to report anxiety or depression than their peers whose mothers are heterosexual. In much of then research authors mentioned how same-sex parents are not affected by the parent(s) lifestyle. Children of lesbian parents are said to be more loveable, and are seen as more affectionate and, responsive and protective of younger children (Perrin, p.125). Children whom are raised with gay parents are said to also be affectionate but also less aggressive than children raised by heterosexual fathers. Same-sex parented children according to much of the research are raised to develop normally like any other child raised in a heterosexual home. Much of the studies have shown that parental sexual orientation has not affected the child in parent-child relationships, or in mental health or social adjustments (Perrin, p.129). Children of same-sex parents are trying to develop and accept that their parent(s) are gay or lesbian and are finding various ways to cope with it. Some children go through great troubles to hide their parent(s) sexuality by lying, and not inviting people over to their home. They lie because they fear what their peers might say. Others set up fake rooms and say that the other parent is just a roommate and that she/he sleeps in that room.

Many parents determine when to come out to their child by the age of the child. Many children, according to Golding, who were the age of childhood or late adolescence were more receptive than those who were told at a later age. The degree to which children were open about their parent(s) sexuality with their peers was related to their level of self-esteem and feelings of isolation or uniqueness. Children of same-sex parent(s) appear to deal with the challenges and expressing then with others. Children relationships with the parent’s partner are significantly positive. Family interactions also have to do with the ability to cope with the parenting lifestyle. Children seek advice from their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and other family members. It seems that children of same-sex parents who receive help from other family members have a higher self-esteem and build closer relationships. According to Perrin if a child does not disclose his parent(s) lifestyle he or she feels better about him or herself. They start to have and build better relationships with people. They also being to feel more open and acceptant of their parent(s) lifestyle. Unfortunately these same-sex parented children live a lie, and spend most of their time trying to hide their parents sexuality. Many adults feel that having a lesbian or gay parent help their ability to tolerate differences among people and to embrace the diversity (Goldberg, 2007, p. 554). Many same-sex parented children see this as a positive about having same-sex parents. They describe themselves as open-minded, nonjudgmental, and accepting of differences amongst others. Children of same-sex parented children are very sensitive when other people use derogatory words that are used against homosexuals. Many same-sex parented children “stand tall” and defend their lesbian or gay parent(s) even though he or she is not fully comfortable with the lifestyle. Sometimes those who face these derogatory words may develop hate, and anger toward their parent(s) because, they feel that it is their parents fault. Also Goldberg mentions that many adults who were raised by same-sex parents become more active in the gay/lesbian community. They either serve in gay committees or are activists for gay rights. Young adults with lesbian mothers are likely to develop a same-sex relationship but they are not more likely to identify as heterosexual (Goldberg, 2007, p.551). This does not mean that everyone with lesbian parents become a lesbian, it is just that with this lifestyle it allows for the child to feel that it is they will not be judged if that is the lifestyle they also care to have. In much of the research I found that many children who are same-sex parented are always likely to be heterosexual.

       In conclusion, same-sex parented children are not any different then what society defines “normal” children. The population of same-sex parented children is growing. They do have some struggles accepting their parents lifestyle but, they do later overcome those obstacles. There is no research found that mentions that children of same-sex parents have any sorts of psychological damage.

Bibliography

Goldberg, A.E. (2007). (How) does it make a difference? perspectives of adults with lesbian gay, and bisexual parents. American Psychological Association, Vol.77, No. 4, 550-562

Golding A.C. (2006). Redefining the nuclear family:exploration of resiliency in lesbian parents. Journal of Feminist Family Therapy, Vol. 18, NO. 1/2, 35-65

Patterson, C.J., & Redding, R.E. (1996). Lesbian and gay families with children: implications of social sciences research for policy. Journal of Social Sciences, Vol. 52, No. 3, 29-50

Perrin, E.C., Children whose parent(s) is/are lesbian or gay. Pathways to Parenthood, Vol. 5, 105-134.

Ray, V., & Gregory R. (2001). School experiences of the children of lesbian and gay parents. Australian Institute of Family Studies, No. 59, 28-39